Somehow my creative juices start flowing just before joining a new job. Its one of those days when you just want to keep writing without any consideration of what may end being written & yet at the same time being gripped by the fear of revealing too much. There can be incongruous thoughts that you just want to assimilate & put together in a stream of words. So the best way is to capture the emotions through the recency effect- the strongest one's felt in last few days & go with the flow.
The one I went through lately had mostly to do with the "lasts" of my last working day at my last job. Waking up it was going to the last working day at this job, the last drive to this office, the last tea in this office, the last stretching of arms at this office desk & the saddest of all - the last time I may be meeting a few of them. There can be a strange sense of romantic sadness in goodbyes. Emotional songs seem more meaningful, a certain calmness prevails over every action, thoughts fly at a faster pace but each one seems to be much deeper than normal & while you want to express all this, there is a feeling to keep all this buried within you to build an aura of secrecy about yourself & remain in this state of emotional high. Logic says that it is this blend of emotional irony that pushes me or maybe others to write, so while it is expressed, its not been told to anyone. Frankly, its amusing to realize that while a piece of emotional account is meant to be an unhindered progression of thoughts on paper, it is still in someway influenced by a desire to create a masterpiece meant to be appreciated by its readership.
Nonetheless, I still believe that an unspoken & unwritten word adds more weight to a person’s character but on the down side leaves him unexplored as an individual in a fast paced world. The hackneyed debate on the “emotional” vs “practical” centers around this conflict of how to “live / survive” with the order of wordings being deliberate to link “emotional” with “live” & “practical” with “survive”. The change I have experienced over the years is to realize the alignment towards a balanced approach of not being too emotional or too practical for a singular approach of either takes away all the fun through predictability in thoughts & actions.
Its not the first time that I’ve moved to a new job & likewise not the first time that I’ve gotten emotional about it. Last time, it was the first “last” at my job. It was a different city, different environment, different reason, different intensity but with the same feeling of “last”. What is comforting though is that all this will add up to build enough material for a healthy nostalgia over a cup of coffee or during an idle time of a journey. Strangely though a lot of those “lasts” did not actually turn out to be the lasts. I still went back to the same city, the same joints & met some of the same people & this somewhat made the nostalgia lose some of its intensity. I am quite certain that something similar will happen again for some of these emotional experiences. I will keep adding more such lasts & keep losing them when I get to experience them again even if for a different reason. Surely enough while some intensity is lost, it does not take away the experience completely. A major part continues to remain with enough emotions & enough practicality to structure a balanced emotional quotient.
Another common sentiment that is has made its way is that of anxiety. Again, the intensity is different but is stoked by the same reason - anticipation. Possibly over time an individual gets more in control as he pre-empts his own feelings. The intensity is higher in case of new experiences, the one’s never encountered before.
While it is satisfying to catalogue one’s emotions, the essence lies in folding it up somewhere deep in the memory & refresh it at moments of pure thoughtless feelings of joy / sadness, not to be frittered away in expected bursts of daily sentiments. It can be difficult to structure all thoughts & order them in a sequential flow, but the question remains – is it required ? Maybe beauty lies in its randomness & profoundness in its incompleteness.
